What will people think of me?? As a mum??? Of my baby???
This question preoccupies the average new mum far more often than you may realise…
Kathryn Gale, Evolve’s own Psychologist, shares some insights and tips after helping mums for many years with this very question!
The root cause of so much of our stress and anxiety as mums is centred around this singular question - What…Will…People…Think…when my baby cries, of the way I respond to my baby’s needs, of the way I feed my baby, of my body, of my choice to work or not to work….etc etc etc.
Not only are we hardwired to care what people think (in primitive times if our tribe rejected us, it would literally be life or death) but our culture has taught us from birth that the ultimate goal is to obtain approval from others.
We’re ALSO hardwired to seek evidence that what we believe is true. So the more I’m concerned that I’m not good enough at this, the more I’m hunting for evidence that other people think that too. When I believe I’ve found the evidence that they think negatively of me, that only confirms my deepest fear - it’s true I’m not enough, no good at this, making the wrong choices etc. The emotional pain that comes from this can be huge, because it’s so deeply important to us that we’re being a good mum.
Because it’s so painful to have our fear that we’re not good enough as a mum confirmed, we try to defend ourselves against any possible attack (literally become defensive, and anxious that we’ll find the evidence). We’re like snipers, sitting up on the wall, scouring the environment for any evidence that people think negatively of us, and therefore we’re not ok - ‘that person looked at me sideways; my helper said that with a tone; my sister implied this; my partner disagreed with me…’
On the flip side, the more I’m calm and confident in my own choices/behaviour/ability, the less I’m concerned about other people. If I believe I’m doing ok, I’m open to all the evidence that suggests that.
Here are some tips to help you move away from the unrealistic belief: ‘I’m not enough as a mum’, and move towards the truth: ‘I’m doing my best in this moment, and that’s enough’.
1.You will be more preoccupied with a negative self-belief when your stress or anxiety levels are higher, and when your sleep is lower. So the first step is to think of it as a physical problem - bring your physical level of stress and anxiety down by deep breathing, meditation, and exercise. Sleep with a new baby is a tricky one, but go easy on yourself - recognise that when you’re tired, you may be more sensitive and defensive. That’s how fatigue works.
2. NOTICE your thoughts and feelings as they arise within you - what am I really saying to myself about myself? Don’t judge yourself for it, just notice what’s going on in there with curiosity and love.
3. We said that we look for evidence that our beliefs are true. This means that your conditioned pattern is to have your Spam Filter on. As Sean Achor points out, one of most respected minds in the field of Positive Psychology, your spam filter is only allowing through the information that supports your belief, and automatically not allowing in any information that tells you you’re doing just fine.
Eg. you remember the one negative thing that happened yesterday and forget the compliments you received. Or the sideways glace was perceived as negative, whereas it could have been positive.
4. Use Byron Katie’s simple but brilliant thought-inquiry technique to consider alternative views. Here’s an example:
Thought: If other people disapprove it means I’m not ok
Is that true?
I’m not sure - it feels true
Can I absolutely know that it’s true?
No
When I believe the thought, how do I feel? How do I behave?
I feel panicked, constricted, upset. I knew it all along, I’m not doing ok. I just want to hide.
What would it be like if I couldn’t believe the thought? What if that thought just couldn’t sit in my mind?
I would feel free. At peace. Joyful, even. I’d be able to just be me and enjoy my baby and not be constantly looking for feedback that I’m doing the wrong thing.
The turnarounds: some statements that we acknowledge are at least equally true as the first thought.
A. Even if other people at times disapprove it doesn't mean I’m not ok
This is at least equally true. What are 3 genuine reasons this thought is even more true than the first one? (I’m sure you could come up with 20).
B. It’s my thoughts that disapprove of me and tell me I’m not ok
Yes, this is also at least equally true. When I believe the thought, I’m disapproving of myself.
C. When I believe the thought ‘If other people disapprove it means I’m not ok’ it’s the other people I’m disapproving of
Yes, when I believe the original thought, I’m actually feeling quite angry about being judged - so I’m actually disapproving of them!
(For more great examples on Byron Katie’s thought-inquiry technique, go to her website thework.com)
5. Support is essential. Allow trusted loved ones to guide you towards what would be a more realistic view of yourself and remind you of what you bring to the world.
In a nutshell, start small. Notice in each moment what’s going on for you, and at every opportunity, ask yourself if your decision is based on what's true for you, what feels right in this moment, or what you think others will think. You’re enough, and you’re doing a great job, just as you are. You’ve got this.
Kathryn is a mum just like you, and has helped so many other mums manage through these self-judgements and worries. Contact her for more information or for an appointment at kathryn.gale@jointdynamics.com.hk