As Evolve’s Psychologist, I speak with people who are trying to conceive, oscillating between hope and hopelessness, at times feeling totally alone and desperate, often stressed and anxious. Good days are mixed with bad days and it’s the full emotional roller coaster experience.
For friends wanting to offer love and support, there’s no clear answer as to what’s best. It depends on the person, and where they are at that moment in time. It’s so hard to know what the ‘RIGHT’ thing to say is.
There are some things though that, generally, are more helpful, and some things that can be triggering for the person although so well-meaning.
Because each day is different, here are 4 suggestions for showing love and support:
How are you today? (On the emotional roller coaster, each day can be different)
Do you want to talk about it? I totally understand if you don't want to talk.
I always want to hear how you're going, but I don't want to bring it up every time I see you in case you don't want to talk about it, but do know I'm here whenever you want to talk.
We want to be able to instil hope and share ideas, but just listening, rather being solution-oriented, can provide the best support. Wait until they ask you for ideas.
When you’re listening, you could say:
"It sounds like you're doing all the right things"
"It's such a tough time for you - I so admire your strength in moving through this"
Despite coming from the best of intentions, sometimes these comments can be hard to hear:
Have you considered all the options?
At least you can enjoy trying
Lucky you already have one
Don't stress - it'll happen when you stop worrying about it
I think the hardest part of listening to a friend going through a difficult time (regardless of the situation) is feeling so helpless. We think ‘I just wish there was something I could do!!! I just want to fix this for you!!! I hate to see you in so much pain!!!
So it seems counterintuitive that the best thing you can do is just listen, be present, and show that you’ve heard what they’re saying. That’s it. If you’re asked for ideas or solutions, absolutely go ahead, but if not, listening is the best way to express your love.
Sending lots of love to those on a long journey to conception, and their brilliant support networks. For more info or tips I’m at kathryn.gale@jointdynamics.com.hk